Soul Storm
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: INXS "I Need You Tonight"
Topic: Off Time
Listening To iTunes net radio "Classic Rock That Matters" station and hoping to hear some good stuff like Pink Floyd or something. I'm getting really selective in my old age. I'm either listening to exactly what I want or I'm listening to nothing at all. I'm pretty inflexible about that lately. Guess I should just stick to Cd's's instead of radio.

I'd like to take Rachel out this evening after Mama gets home. She's supposed to wear a dress to her Honor Society Induction, and she has one, but I'm thinking it isn't exactly appropriate (though she insists otherwise, of course!) so I thought I'd take her shopping and out to eat to celebrate her achievement. I'm thinking Quesedillas at Applebees or something similar. Maybe I'll get her a Shirley Temple drink and make her feel uppity and grown up. Wait a minute- she already feels that way! Do I really want to encourage it? 13 going on 21, she thinks.

Can't seem to settle on a station. Resorting now to a different Genre' altogether. Maybe some Celtic will work for me. I just can't be satisfied. Didn't like that, moved on and found something I can deal with for a minute anyway.

Scott tells me Kevin has a "date" tonight. Of sorts, anyway. Scott is not coming to see me tonight so he can help him find this girl's home. I'll miss him, but we gotta take care of the kids I reckon.

Okay, now we're rocking OUT!... Def Lepard "Pour Some Sugar on Me". It's going to storm here, big time! Lightening, Thunder... I can feel the electricity in the air! Winds a blowing, and I'm watching the sky and the treetops swaying... any minute will come the downpour. I love it because it suits my stormy mood.

"Do you take sugar?" the singer taunts sexily in this song. I do... in my coffee! Wait a minute... that's splenda... on a diet, oh yeah. Now another good song, Pink Floyd "Another Brick in the Wall". "Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone!"
Oh, it is booming and the floor is vibrating! What a rockin' storm this is going to be! Sky is flashing, and it's getting dark and I'm loving the new ambiance created by it all. It's cozy and exciting at the same time.

I feel a little better mood wise than I have. I still feel dark, but not negative if that makes sense. Still have that sense of impending doom, but today I just don't give a shit. Guess that describes it pretty well. Now I'm hearing AC/DC's "Big Balls". Those lyrics are hilarious, and love his thick British accent.

My thoughts are all over the place, aren't they? I can't stay on a station, and I can't stay on a thought. Guess I'm storming inside even as it's storming outside. The storming outside is a great accompaniment to the music and my bizarre mood.

Enough journalizing I guess. Told mom I'd look over her brochure she's doing for her work and improve upon it.

Sense of Foreboding
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: "Paradise City" Guns n' Roses
Topic: Off Time
Brand new computer. Superfast broadband internet. We can talk on the phone and surf the 'net at the same time; download faster than you can say www dot... at least we could. There is already spyware on this computer. Talked to Scott this morning and he told me to download spybot search and destroy. He talked me through it, and I ran it, and it's working better. But that just sucks, doesn't it? Why do people make virus, trojans, and that spyware stuff that attaches like a tick to you when you're roaming happily in www cyberspace? I guess that's like saying why are there bad people. Naive, huh?

Still feel a sense of foreboding. Something quite bad is going to happen soon. I think it has to do with my grandmother. Waiting for the axe to fall is creeping me out.

Was chatting with Scott in the middle of writing this, and now I'm back to it. We looked at some websites together.

I think I'm going to soak up some sun today. I feel sort of cold inside, and maybe it will warm me up. I'm kind of lonesome feeling. It's really, really quiet,too. I want noise and warmth. I almost wish I was working.

Another Shift Done
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nuthin'
Topic: Work
Didn't log on yesterday. Had several things to get done and then was tired. Got John Ethan's haircut. It's a military haircut almost. He's happy with it.

Rachel stayed home 'sick' today. I think it's just allergies, but she insists it's more. She's going tomorrow, that's for sure.

Still have to fix a bite of supper. I'm having to make myself. I truly do not feel like it. John Ethan and I woke up about 3:00 AM and didn't go back to sleep.

It was a pretty busy shift today, but we managed to stay on top of things. We had several admits, but the shift flowed well and we didn't get bogged down. We moved several admits to the floor in an actual timely manner for once. We saw about 20 patients from 0700 until around 1400. Many were actual emergencies.

Tomorrow's begins my two days off before my long haul. I'm dreading this weekend, really. At least this weekend we will have a pleasant Dr. to work with. One of our favorites.

Well, gotta go cook. If I can peel myself from this chair, that is.

Gardening
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Sympathy for the Devil" by Guns and Roses
Topic: Off Time
It's cloudy outside. I hope it doesn't rain because I would like to get my garden planted today. Could've done it by now. Maybe the sun will come out? We'll see.


Not feeling nearly as philosophical as I did yesterday. Guess that's a kind of come and go thing with me. Not poetic, either but that may change if it starts raining out and I can't garden. Sure do want some good tomatoes this year. The topsoil here seems really good. Unearthed enough wormies to open a bait shop. Eww. Security guard at the hospital told me in no uncertain terms that I should have planted them in December. Oh well, but there's still hope... I can plant them in early fall and get some harvest before frost. Guess I better go get some betterboys and just stick them in the ground like I always do, and try the my own when they get mature enough.

I guess this is a dull entry by comparison, huh? Having a dull mood, I guess.

Good and Bad
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Bring on the Rain" (in my head)
Topic: It's all about ME!
Bring On The Rain (Jo Dee Messina with Tim McGraw)
(Billy Montana/Helen Darling)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight....

Those lyrics really sum it up. I can feel that things are about to take a turn for the worse. I do not know why, but I feel myself bracing for hard times. I do not know what to expect, just to expect it. I've seen enough, felt enough to know that I will most like fully survive it so I will not worry. I will go to bed tonight and sleep as I do every night.

Just watched a very thought provoking movie that was not at all what I expected it to be. I thought the movie 'Saw' would be a gruesome gory slasher movie. I abhor those! They are useless. It was anything but, however. It had it's gore, but it was useful gore. It got me thinking about right and wrong. One particular part still sticks with me....

These two captive men, chained to pipes in a dreary room began discussing morality and judging one another. One was a Dr., one was a very opportunistic "photographer", for lack of a better description. They discovered that they were both liars, and both exceedingly imperfect in other ways as well. The rest of the movie was about self sacrifice and the value of human life. Here's this thought- Beware of anyone who thinks that they are "good". Maybe they are, up to a point. But maybe we ALL are up to a point. I think a wise person knows that they are capable of doing harm and evil, and therefore has those things at bay. I know that I'm impure and far from good. I have done some bad things, but I'm capable of doing good and will continue to try to do good things for people. That is all anyone can do.

ca?thar?sis (k-tharss)
n. pl. ca?thar?ses (-sz)

Definition: Purgation. A psychological technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.

Also: ca?thar?sis ( P ) Pronunciation Key (k-tharss)
n. pl. ca?thar?ses (-sz)
Medicine. Purgation, especially for the digestive system.
A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.
A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.
Psychology.
A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.
The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein, to purge, from katharos, pure.]

I like this word. Does 'vomiting' up one's negative emotions make one feel better? Is one really 'pure' after this process of dredging up horrid things? In my 39 years of experience, I still have not decided.

Somehow all these scattered thoughts are connected. I may figure out how tomorrow.

Just wrote what I thought was a clever poem. I think I started out trying to communicate a serious thing and ended up laughing at myself. See what you think.

We talk to ourselves when we've something to say
That we want heard aloud, yet not, in a way
We talk to ourselves when we're feeling not quite
Up to expressing so proper and right

We talk to ourselves when no one is there,
We talk to ourselves when no one will care
What we have to say or how it is said
Just to get out a thought that's stuck in our head

How shocked are we when someone does ask
"What did you say?" It then becomes a task
So they'll not ponder on our mental health,
We say, "Nothing really, talking to my self,"

As if that's a thing that one ought to do
Like it is as common as tying one's shoe
We're often shocked at the reply, too-
"Don't worry dear, I do that, too!"

Why do we think we are the only crazy people in the world? We aren't. There are no 'normal' people. There are no 'good' people. There are no 'sane' people. Now then. I've wrapped up all of my silly little notions today into a package. I've tied up the loose ends and made a lovely bow, haven't I?

Bring on the Rain!

Weekend Time!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: "Simple Kind of Man" Confederate Railroad/Alabama (in my head)
Topic: Family Life
Thank goodness, my work week is over! It's been a butt kicker. But, today was pay day and now I have 5 days off that I intend to use well. I'm going to go by the festival and get Kevin a souvenir or something, then head straight to the home front. Scott said we may take off on an expedition. Who knows where.

I went to the festival, and did not see Rachel anywhere. I don't know if she looked for John Ethan and I. If she did she probably couldn't find us. When I first set the chairs out yesterday, I was on the third row. How did row 3 become row 11? Some people! I didn't let it ruin things, though. John Ethan and I enjoyed the music. I had hoped to have Rachel near me, so I could keep an eye on her. But she and her girlfriends said they might not even go. They are probably having fun just spending the night together. Sitting around in their Pajamas, eating s'mores, watching MTV or something.

The music at the festival was really good. It was not cold either, just kind of sweater temperature. Very nice, and a starry sky to boot. John Ethan enjoyed jumping on the inflatable contraptions, an orange snow cone, and nachos. Saw several of the ladies from work. John Ethan saw a lot of his friends from school and soccer team.

Scott is at work now, as it is 10:19 P.M., but he will be off tomorrow and through the weekend. We will try to be there when he gets off.

Today at work was an incredibly easy day. I think we only saw about 6 patients! Which was good because the computer system was down again with the second try at the new server installation. How weird that was to have so few patients. One of the few we did have was an elderly lady who later died in ICU. Everyone was expecting it, but the sad thing was that she had no real family. She died with no one mourning her at all. "Eleanor Rigby died and was buried along with her name. Nobody came... All the lonely people... Where do they all come from?" Everybody has to go sometime, but most have at least someone who will miss them when they're gone.

Time to put the work week behind me, and chill with the family. Let the weekend begin!

Brownie Points
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Work
Today went well at work. I enjoyed working today, actually. It was the perfect speed... not overwhelmingly busy and not just dead with us all looking for something useful to do. Nice and steady. Dr. H told me a little more about his trip to Scotland. Seems he enjoyed himself. He keeps saying, "wee dram", "wee dram". Said it didn't rain on him too much, and he and his son enjoyed golfing. He and his boy also enjoyed a good pub meal- a steak and a Guinness.

As I was coming back from medical records with an old chart, the Director of Nursing stopped me in the hall. She complimented me on how helpful I was in the code. The nursing supervisor was walking right behind her, and she smiled and nodded. Boy did that make my day or what! I didn't really feel like I was that helpful. All I remember doing is communicating to the social worker what I knew about where the family was and what had happened during the patient's first visit. The nurses of course are a bit too busy to visit with a social worker. I helped I guess by making copies of EKG after EKG, kept them in order, got the helicopter pad cleared, got the Cardiologist on the phone for our Doctor two different times.

I guess the only thing that hangs in my mind now about the whole thing is this.... the man's wife and daughter were en route to Tupelo, then back to us, then... when the Doctor decided to airlift him, the EMT asked the Social Worker to notify the PD to road block and intercept the family so that they would not waste precious seconds... all to no avail. The wife could have been with her husband during his last moments. He was laughing, talking, feeling actually okay... That would have been precious to her. His last moments were probably in the air. I'm very sorry. But then, like Dr. Dale said, if you gotta have a heart attack, the way that patient went was a lot easier than some. He wasn't in a lot of pain.

But his family... they find out he's having a heart attack, panic, then settle themselves when they find out he's stable and his most recent EKG looked good, then they get ready to head to the other hospital that's a 20 minute drive from us, then they find out he's had to return to us in full arrest, then the PD or HP whichever it was stops them and tells them he's headed back out... How confused they must have been... then he died, whether it was in the air in the cath lab.

Well, I'm ready for my days off. It's festival time, and I'm going to enjoy the concert with Rachel in the park if the weather holds. Then we will head home for a visit. Can't wait! Time for a break, put work behind me to rest up for another, enjoy the family. Looking forward to it.

Boomerang Patients
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Cartoon Network
Topic: Work
Yesterday I didn't log on and blog, but it was a sleep catch up day, you know. It was actually quite pleasant. We chatted, goofed off, caught up on little stuff the whole day. That's nice once in awhile. However, the next shift or the next day, there is usually a pay back times 3. Such was the case today....

Let's talk for a few about boomerang patients-patients that leave and then return within 48 hrs. We have to log them in a quality management log because they are considered a sign that something in their treatment was amiss. Sometimes that is the case, most times it isn't. Well, now... get this one...

I come back to the ER from lunch to find we are transferring a patient with probable acute MI to a larger hospital. Patient is pain free, talking, joking, feeling much better. I ask what is left to be done, how can I help. Head nurse says, print out an extra copy of all his lab and x-ray results. I try... and not a %$#& thing has been ordered! Nothing! I quickly order a full cardiac panel, as well as some other things the head nurse is sure the Dr. would want. We plan on faxing the results to the hospital. The RN who was responsible for the patient starts to admonish me for not putting in the orders and I explain that I was not in the ER when the patient was brought in. I don't think he cares, he's looking for someone to blame, I don't let it get to me because the patient seems to be responding well to what they are doing for him. Ambulance arrives for transport, and takes our amazingly happy patient away via stretcher as usual.

Not so usual.... five minutes later, scanner goes off.... something, something "full code". They have my attention, everyone else is occupied. I manage to get an LPN's attention and tell her what I think I hear, and the phone rings.... a dispatcher starts giving me a patient report. Naturally, as I'm not a nurse I give the call to an LPN but manage to hear dispatch say that the unit who picked our guy up for trans is coming back and the guy is in FULL %$#^^ CODE! LPN calls code blue to our location.

We get him back, lose him, get him back... I don't speak cardiac, but apparently they can't keep a rhythm at all. I know they put the paddles to him more than once, and chest compressions. At one point things are looking better, then he takes another turn. We call for air lift. I had trouble getting somebody to clear the helicopter pad. That's not supposed to happen. I beeped and beeped them, and them cussed them. Finally maintenance staff cleared the pad just moments before the chopper landed.

To end this long story (I'm tired of telling it), he was alive but not exactly stable when he left us, but he was pronounced dead in the next hospital's cath lab. I'm sorry. Our chief was on duty, and his opinion was that the guy really didn't have a chance. Too much damage, to put it simply. The ambulance EMT stated he seized en route the first attempt at transfer.

I'm really sorry for him and his family. When I got to work that morning, the scanner was going on about a bad wreck with entrapment (approx 45 minute extraction time!). A bit after our code, there was apparently a school bus rollover and a youngster was coded at the same hospital that our cardiac patient was transferred to. They got ten young patients from that mva.

I stayed later than I had to in my ER because we were short handed. All I can do is take off orders, but that is a help. There were not enough nurses. I pray that this of catastrophe is over. If not, I hope it doesn't come to our understaffed ER.

I'm trying to chill now, sipping a beer. Hard to wind down sometimes. Think I'll distract myself with a little history channel. Love the history channel. Hope there is something good on.

A Better Day (Sort of)
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: John Ethan's Keyboard Recorded Fart Sounds
Topic: Work
It was a better day. Well, as good a day as it can be with Dr. "Garlique". It thought the head nurse was going to strangle him at one time, when he started the usual "Why hasn't this been done already?!" when he'd only just ordered it. But we stayed on top of things, and the computers were working well to my surprise. Didn't get three ambulances at once or anything like that, so I guess we have to say it was a very good day for a Sunday with Dr. Garlique in charge. I really shouldn't talk about him so disrespectfully, but... well, I'm pretty sure I've never met anyone I dislike so much. Let's change that to loathe. Yep, loathe works.

John Ethan is really having fun with odd noises on the keyboard. It has a recording button, and he's made fart noises "dinosaur" growls, and "I Love You Mommy" warped to sound like a chipmunk inhaling helium. Ah, youth! It would be great to be six years old again just for a little while, I think. He had himself one good belly laugh after he stretched a fart sound to about 30 seconds in length. Well, it was pretty funny actually. Sounded like a real ripper. You could almost smell it. Whoopee cushion, eat your heart out!

I think that tomorrow Dr. Dale is on duty, so it should be a pleasant day. He's our chief of ER, and one of my favorite Docs to work with. He's not arrogant, he's pleasant, yet still manages to be the boss, you know? We don't get bogged down so bad when his name is on the tracking board.

It's 8:49 P.M. I'm headed to bed after John Ethan gets his bath and tucked in. These 12 hour shifts just kill me, but... 2 down, 2 to go! Then it's just 2 8 hour shifts and 4 days off. Yee-Ha!

Thank Heaven That Shi(f)t is Over!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Just the TV.... Animal Planet
Topic: Work
Finally home after my 12 hours on duty. I get clocked in and guess what? They're taking the computers down. Yay. That was at 0700, and when I signed out at 1900 they were still down. I just hope they are back up tomorrow when I get there in the morning! They're installing a new server though, and that's a good thing, but did they have to do it on the freakin' weekend? I swear, they do not have the common good in mind with these down time schedulings.... they don't want to inconvenience upper level mgmt people, but... let the weekend staff sweat it... the weekend is only THE busiest, most high volume time period in the entire work week. We've needed a new server for awhile because the system didn't have enough power to support the last software update, but couldn't we have picked a day with less patient volume? I really hope all is well tomorrow. I may need a sedative.

Add to that.... my least fav Dr. was on duty with me, Dr. Garlique as I like to call him. He always smells like he just took a garlic tablet, or else ate a whole clove! I hold my breath when he comes by, literally!. He whined and griped the entire time. Nothing could please him, as usual. That with the computers being down was just about enough to make us all run out screaming into the parking lot. We were so busy, most of us didn't get our lunch break. I'm starving now, and don't know quite what I will figure out for supper. Maybe just finish the rest of this beer and make John Ethan a ham sandwich. The theme of this Saturday in the ER seemed to be "Substance Abuse". We had at least 3 druggies, and one alcoholic. Also, the ambulances just would not stop. I hope they didn't get the 3 car mva we heard about on the scanner. If not, it should be starting to chill out by now. Maybe.

Rachel is at a party at the community center. Shaking her little butt no doubt. I hope she has a good time and comes home when she is supposed to.

John Ethan is still playing outside with the neighbor kids and having a good time. He's filthy, so I know he's had a wonderful day. It's surely been prime outside play time after the fog burned off this morning- it got up to 78 degrees I think. Looks like Scotty got a little sleep. At least they had a good day! That helps me. Think I'll get the little man's bath started, get him tucked into bed and settle down myself. After all, tomorrow's Another Day... (Gee, was that a bit much? Ha-Ha)